Perfectionism: Causes and Strategies to Overcome It. Your San Francisco Psychologist Speaks.
Perfectionism: Causes and Strategies to Overcome It. Your San Francisco Psychologist Speaks.
“It has to be perfect, or it’s not worth doing… I can't make any mistakes or people will judge me or criticize me, and I couldn’t handle that. If I don’t get this right, they will think I’m incompetent… I should have done better, I just need to try harder… I made some mistakes; the whole thing is a failure… If it’s not perfect, it’s not acceptable.”
These are some of the common thoughts that run through the mind of someone with very high expectations of themselves and the things they do.
What is Perfectionism?
It’s likely that this describes you or someone you know, and we tend to call this perfectionism. Perfectionism is a tendency to set excessively high standards for oneself. It often involves a preoccupation with detail and a fear of making mistakes. Perfectionists might set unattainable goals and experience significant stress or dissatisfaction when their performance falls short of their ideal. It can impact several areas of one’s life, including work, academics, and personal relationships.
Perfectionists strive to be the best at everything they do, and it can seem as if this isn’t necessarily a bad thing because many perfectionists are high achievers and excel in their fields. As a result, they often receive praise for the quality of their work which feels rewarding, and this can in turn perpetuate perfectionistic expectations of oneself.
But perfectionism has a dark side too, because those standards are often unrealistic. When a minor setback feels like a major personal failure, then perfectionism can lead to negative consequences such as high anxiety, significant stress, and procrastination.
Causes of Perfectionism
Since perfectionism is often praised for all the positive effects, a person might not think about the causes of perfectionism, and why they set such unrealistic standards for themselves. However, due to negative consequences of perfectionism, it’s important to learn where it may stem from:
Early Childhood Experiences: High expectations from parents or critical parenting can cause perfectionistic tendencies. Often, a child whose parents berated them for achieving less than perfect, or pointed out mistakes, learns well into adulthood to behave the same towards themselves. Similarly, if a parent praised a child’s high achievement, and showed dismay for anything less than the highest or best, this can teach a child that only the best is “good enough,” leading to perfectionistic behaviors. On the other hand, children who grow up in chaotic households, for example, having an alcoholic parent, can cause children to want to create some stability and one result is by trying to take control by developing perfectionistic tendencies. As you can see, our childhood experiences can have a significant impact on tendencies towards perfectionism, and this often goes well into adulthood. Therapy can help understand some of these deeper causes so one can learn how to have more realistic standards of themselves. (Read more about the Effects of Growing up in a Dysfunctional Family, Part 1: Your San Francisco Psychologist Speaks).
Cultural and Societal Influences: Societal pressure for success and high achievement can contribute to perfectionistic behavior. Much like families, our social and cultural groups that we identify with have a significant impact on creating standards for us to live by and these can include very high standards.
Low Self-Esteem: Low self-esteem or a sense of inadequacy can lead people to strive for perfection as a way to gain validation. This can lead to a very tentative sense of self because one’s value is determined by their ability to do something perfectly, or be perfect. If low self-esteem is a cause you notice, therapy can help raise your self-esteem in healthier ways.
Control Issues: A desire for control over outcomes and uncertainty can drive perfectionistic behaviors. Control issues are often a way to deal with anxiety we feel when we don’t feel we are in control. But the cycle of perfectionism, control, and anxiety can be painful and exhausting. If anxiety and control issues are at the core of perfectionism, therapy can help to treat anxiety and learn how to have a healthy release of some control without suffering. Read more about Anxiety in my series here: Anxiety Therapy San Francisco 101.
Personality Traits: Some people are wired in such a way that perfectionism is the only way. It can be difficult to feel like there is any other alternative, but understanding how to be open to other ways of being is helpful.
Past Trauma or Criticism: Negative experiences or trauma may lead individuals to develop perfectionism as a coping mechanism. For example, if you had a critical partner or overbearing boss at work in the past, these experiences can lead to perfectionism as a way to protect oneself in their job or relationship in the future. In such cases, therapy is often very useful to uncover and heal from past traumatic experiences.
Some strategies to overcome perfectionism.
Take a task and break it down into smaller pieces. Instead of envisioning your project as a perfect whole, try viewing it as a series of pieces. Putting focus into completing each step, allows less worry about the outcome and makes it easier to focus on one task after another. By keeping your mind focused on the task at hand, you can create forward momentum. You’ll have less time to scrutinize the overall project because you’ll be immersed in the present moment.
Give others a break. If you find yourself imposing your perfectionism on others, stop and ask why. It’s helpful to realize that others aren’t required to live by your standards. The more grace you give others, the easier you can be on yourself. Everyone has unique skills and talents. Keep in mind that your friends, family, and loved ones can do many things better than you. However, it’s also likely that you excel in areas your peers struggle with. When you ask your friends to perform at your level in a skill where they lack confidence, they may feel controlled. It’s often helpful to remember that our imperfections are what make us human.
Change your thinking: One powerful technique that you can use is to learn to think in gradients. All-or-nothing thinking is a thinking error that is common in those with perfectionism. All-or-nothing thinking is unproductive because it only allows for two possibilities when reality isn’t binary. Allow yourself to consider successful outcomes in between the “all or nothing”. And celebrate your ‘less than perfect’ success, while also learning from what anything you might call a mistake. Read more about thinking errors here: San Francisco CBT Series: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Part 1 and San Francisco CBT Series: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Part 2.
Embrace your sense of humor. Nothing defuses perfectionism like a healthy sense of humor. Cultivate the ability to laugh at yourself and start to see beyond a single viewpoint. If you can find the humor in your failure, you can analyze it objectively and learn from it. Although perfection can feel desirable, other people are often drawn to us for our imperfections, which make us human and charming 😊
If you're struggling with perfectionism, I hope that you will give yourself permission to use some of these tips to create change in your life. You deserve to live without the harsh walls of perfectionism and the stress, anxiety, fear, and disappointment that it can cause. If childhood upbringing, anxiety, or trauma might have caused you or someone you love, some of the things mentioned in this article, please reach out to me. I’m a psychologist in San Francisco and I can help you uncover perfectionism, control issues, self-esteem, and anxiety. Together, we will work on tools to help you over come and gain back a healthy way of coping and achieving your life goals.
Looking for therapy in San Francisco? Contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation! Looking forward to speaking with you.
Specialties include therapy for depression, anxiety, work stress, relationships, and life changes.
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